Para Sa'Yo Nicky...

I had this conversation with our common friend Nicky...the one who first knew Jan and I were going out. Nick, I will never forget what you told him, "Si Rei Agustin? THE Rei Agustin?? Ibang level yan ha!" Touch naman ako sa sinabi mo. You made me feel as though I was someone too special to fool around with. Well, I became a fool that fell for his trap because I allowed it to happen. I admit. And I'm sorry for not staying true to my word that this will not happen -- that I will never fall because everything is clear: He's got someone to love...and he's just probably after the companionship (and other things that he can't get from her); that I was a "player" by heart and he was just one of them; that I was just playing his game; that I will be strong not to share such sad stories to you.

Me: the feeling never lingers sa kanya
Me: totally forgotten na ko once we part ways
Me: bkt ganun???
Nick: kasi meron siyang iba?
Nick: i mean si j**n
Nick: kaya pag hindi kayo magkasama nawawala yung feelings
Me: korek....
Nick: pero sige pa rin tayo nang sige?
Me: pero mashado naman nyang pinararamdam
Me: tanga na nga ko e
Me: as in
Nick: oo
Nick: i agree
Me: minsan sinasabi ko sa sarili ko
Me: ayoko na
Me: tapos mamimiss ko sha
Nick: kahit na alam mong tanga ka
Nick: pag magkasama kayo
Nick: he makes you happy
Nick: kaya lalo kang nagpapakatanga
Nick: tama ba ako?
Me: oo
Me: true!
Nick: so ano nang gagawin natin?
Nick: ayaw mo na pag hindi kayo magkasama
Nick: pero pag kayong dalawa lang
Nick: gusto mo na ulit
Nick: sanayin mo na sarili mo sa ganyan
Nick: pero bading pag may singsing na ang lalaki itigil na kung umabot sa ganun
Me: i just cant get myself to stop it suddenly
Nick: and you dont want to stop it gradually
Me: gradual naman na to ah!
Nick: for how long nang gradual?
Nick: baka u have to pick up the pace a bit
Nick: kasi nasasad din ako for you
Me: nagka-nytmare ako nung isang beses
Me: magkasama raw kami sa g4 for a movie
Me: tapos nagriring fone nya
Me: sinagot tapos nakikipagtawanan
Me: tapos i asked kung bagong career ba nya yung tumawag
Me: sumagot ba naman ng "oo, matagal na to..." sabay akbay sa kin!
Me: tanginang dream yun!
Me: nagising ako!
Me: i guess nasa subconscious ko kasi talaga na thats the last thing i want to happen
Me: to see him with a new "rei"
Me: weird di ba?
Me: bkt mo sasabihing mahirap ang situation namin dahil baka mahuli pa kaya tinigil na, tapos maghahanap ng iba?!?
Me: i will never understand
Me: as in
Nick: harsh
Nick: matagal na ito
Nick: what if meron nga noh?
Nick: dami naman niyang time on his hands
Me: korek
Me: well
Me: we only see each other thursdays
Nick: dapat ikaw ang magdecide na itigil na
Nick: para sayo nanggaling
Nick: at hindi mo na problema yung maghanap siyanang ibang 'rei'
Me: i have to find someone who will amuse me
Nick: korek
Me: natext ko nga sha kagabi wen i had this feeling e
Nick: Rei - "bkt mo sasabihing mahirap ang situation namin dahil baka mahuli pa kaya tinigil na, tapos maghahanap ng iba? <-- kaya wag itigil for this reason; besides tumagal nang ganito tapos ito lang yung dahilan nang paghihiwalay
Nick: itigil dahil mali
Nick: itigil dahil hindi nakabubuti sa iyo on a deeper level
Nick: itigil dahil panandaliang fulfillment lang ang nakukuha sa companionship, hindi tunay na happiness
Nick: itigil dahil magpapalit na ang konstitusyon ganyan pa rin
Nick: itigil dahil he will never be able to respect you in a way you want to be respected dahil sarili niyang girlfriend ginagago
Nick: itigil dahil, rei, mahalin mo naman sarili mo
Nick: itigil dahil, rei, magsawa ka naman
Nick Turingan: itigil dahil, rei, for once gawin mo naman ang bagay na tunay na iyo lang
Nick: itigil dahil at the end of the day you do not deserve this
Nick: itigil dahil baka he does not deserve you, you're too good
Me: are u typing all these???
Nick: itigil dahil ikaw lang ang makapagtitigil
Nick: yes
Me: copy paste yata to ah!
Nick: hindi ah
Nick: ayan nasira ang momentum
Nick: itigil dahil sira na ang momentum
Nick: juice groban!
Nick: ayan itinigil ko na ito
Nick: ititigil mo na rin ba ang kabaliwan mo?
Me: singit na ko!
Nick: game
Me: sana nick, sana
Nick: ikaw naman
Me: convincing ka
Nick: find a hobby
Me: pero mahirap
Nick: kaya nga
Nick: do something else on thursdays
Nick: or make it every other thursday

...and then we talked about something else (lke decorating my roomÜ).

And so Nick...find me a date! Or a new job for me to be in a new environment! HeheÜ Honestly, I may not show it, but I am trying to change -- to be invisible and just wait for him to miss me for real. Mahirap lang talaga...takot ako to take the risk that if I don't communicate with him, we'll never talk to each other again and he won't even miss me one bit. Takot akong mawalan and to find out that the things we used to do are rekindled with someone new...

I am no player, I realized. I am a coward in a bitch's mask.